Time heals/California trip

Time is NOT the healer of all wounds. May be for some, or maybe I'm just not being an optimist at the moment. It's almost been a month since my precious Gram left this earth. Everyday is the same. I wake up thinking about her and I go to bed thinking of her. I think when we returned from our California trip was the hardest. After every trip we took, Cody usually ended up back on shift the day after we got home and Hudson and I would go to Gram's the day after we'd return from vacation. We'd tell her all about our trip and show her pictures and she'd always say, "I'm so glad you had a great time but I'm glad you are back home." Every time. That usually was followed by Hudson asking for a cookie and the 3 of us going outside in the backyard. Oh how I miss our time together. Sure could use some Gram Wisdom these days.
(I know this trip was extra special because she actually got to experience it with us and I'm sure she was watching over us the whole time.)
We've slowly been cleaning out her house. The MOST depressing thing ever. So many memories in that house. I remember seeing it almost bare for the first time, all the furniture gone & things out of place. That was not a good day. I do remember the day cleaning out the top of her closet with my mom and finding my music boxes that she had bought. One for each month for a little over a year. I remember as a child, she told me about them and would let me see them when she got them in. She would play a short piece from each one and tell me that one day they would be mine and I could play them whenever I wanted. When I turned 18 she reminded me of them. I had no place to safely store them so she held on to them. I do NOT however, remember she had written on the box to each and everyone of them! The most special thing! Let me just tell you, I'm a weirdo and from the time Gram had passed I kept expecting to find "something" that she left behind for me to find. Well, what do ya know? These music boxes just melted my heart. Everything written was so very special to me. I think the boxes actually mean more to me now than the actual music boxes. :)

We had a wonderful trip to California. It seemed like we had something fun going on every day we were there! Well, we did. We were in San Diego Wednesday and Thursday. BEAUTIFUL. Probably my most favorite city I've been to in Cali. Hudson got to see the ocean again and George the sea lion and about 500 of his friends! Friday we were in Hollywood at Universal Studios! Probably the most fun 6 hours of my life and Cody's too. Oh and Hudson's! Saturday we were in LA to see the Kings game at the Staples Center. So awesome. Sunday was actually a pretty relaxing day in Palmdale. The boys golfed while I got to shop and had a message.

                                                           Universal Studios, Hollywood

                                                La Jolla, CA and Los Angeles Kings game

Besides the vacation I actually went to Cali for an eye exam. We visited Shiley Eye Center in San Diego and I saw 3 specialists. http://eyesite.ucsd.edu/

They all came into the room and once and each one of them seemed amazing! I told them my background with being diagnosed with Graves' then the TED in December. They ran some regular vision tests and measured both eyes. They explained more about TED and what to expect. Every case is different. It's basically a waiting game from here on out. I will schedule another appointment sometime in July so they can measure again. Surgery will only be necessary if my eyes get too bad and I'm in a "stable" phase for more than 6 months. This whole disease is crazy! Graves' is a nasty little thing but I am taking it day by day and can't really say I've had any major problems besides the TED and even that is a mild case. Anyone who reads my blog and has any questions, I'd be more than happy to answer. Or if anyone has suggestions or comments, send them my way!!

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It's been a long 8 days without her, although it seems like she is just off on vacation. I catch myself looking at her obituary every now and then and even after I read it, it doesn't seem real. The first few days felt like I had lost a limb and had to adjust to life without it. Explaining to my 3 year old son was the most difficult task yet. He knows Gram is no longer "living on this earth" that she is in Heaven and can't see or talk with her. Out of the blue the other day he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said "I miss Gram" me too angel, me too. We have driven by her street a few times running errands and he looks and waves and says, "we miss you Gram." Be still my heart. This woman not only had a huge part in raising me but also my son. She kept him for the first 2 1/2 years of his life. I can't really explain it but I have a strong sense of peace and have, ever since my family and I held her hand as she took her last breathe. I know she is with me, I can feel it! "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." One of the most comforting scriptures. I know she is dancing with the angels and rejoicing with the Lord. I am so very blessed to have had this woman in my life for 29 years. I am also blessed that she touched the life of my son and taught and LOVED him so dearly. XOXO

The Hurt & The Healer

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from being explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here

Her journey..

Her journey has been a long hard battle but she has fought and hasn't given up. Mainly because she is stubborn and hard headed. (That's where I get it from.) Her journey has been filled with love and joy, sadness and happiness, and she will never know how many lives she has touched. Gram. 
Her body is tired and weak and she is ready to go HOME.

I’m Free

Don’t grieve for me now, I’m free
I’m following the path God laid for me.
took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I’ve found my peace at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life’s been full, I’ve savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me.
God wanted me now, He set me free.

We meet with her doctors today to see what needs to be done. If you could, please say a prayer for my families strength in this very difficult time and that she not be in any pain as she makes her journey home.

 I love you to the moon

Our God is an AWESOME God

Great news today! Gram is awake and alert for the most part. She opened her eyes late last night/early morning and seems to still be groggy but awake. It was so wonderful to see her eyes :))) Vitals still look good and she should be taken off the vent because she is breathing on her own.

And my CT results came back as a small benign(non cancerous!) cyst (sounds scary) but the Dr. is not concerned at all!!

Amazing how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders today. Thank you Lord and thank you ALL for the prayers.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you. 1 Peter 5:7

When it rains it pours

Holy moly! That saying couldn't be more true right now. I have always thought of myself as a glass half full kinda girl. I try and see the best in any "bad" situation and let go and let God. Here lately I have come to the conclusion that my body is falling apart. I keep this blog to look back on because my memory is not the greatest and I love going back to see what Hudson was up to two years ago or more. I don't think of it as putting my whole life out there because I really only have a few true "followers" and I consider them friends as well. This has been a struggle for me to "put this info out there" and DO NOT want pitty or poor her. I know things happen for a reason and the good Lord has far bigger plans for me than I do for myself and I hate that I have really questioned that lately. First, Gram is BACK in the hospital, has been for a week and 3 days. She went in for abdominal pain and left shoulder pain. She was later diagnosed with pancreatitis and gallstones. OY. She was admitted and moved up to a room. The next day she was sent down for a CT scan and they found something leaking in her stomach. Long story short, her Dr. preformed emergency surgery to repair the stomach and took out her gallbladder as well. The surgery took a good 3 hours and she was wheeled back up to CCU where she was sedated and put on a ventilator to help her breathe. She was given a heavy dose of meds and had been out since they put her in the surgery room. She remained "out" the next few days. Her vitals were decent and she was still on the vent to help her breathe. She has been taken off the pain meds for about 3 days now and hasn't been able to "wake up" The nurse and Dr. both assured us it is pretty normal for someone her age and given that much pain medicine to be out for an extended amount of time. But 4 days...seems like a long time. Please, if you have any extra prayers, send them her way because now it's just a waiting game.

I experienced my first CT scan yesterday. Not fun, but not too bad. I was more nervous than anything. let's go back a few weeks... I scheduled an appointment with my primary dr because I had been having some issues with my stomach. being diagnosed with Graves' I really don't hesitate anymore to get things checked out. She ran blood work and ordered an ultrasound of my stomach and other organs. The results came back and she was concerned with a "spot" on my liver. Well, that's NEVER a good thing to hear. They wanted o get a better look, so that's when the CT was ordered and I made an appointment. The whole appointment took about an hour and 1/2. I should have results later today or tomorrow. Trust me, I have already given it over to the Lord and just pray everything is normal. Of course my mind has gone 1,000 different ways and I've thought the worst but I'm not letting that get in my head. I'm 29 and feel that I am in great health, I eat healthy, am very active and all of a sudden feel like my body is falling apart. One thing after another.


Other than all this gloomy news, we just got back from our family trip to Ruidoso! It was such a wonderful weekend spent with my two boys. Just what I needed.

                                                                Tubing at Winter Park

The weather was great and Hudson loved snow tubing and feeding the deer by our cabin! A trip to remember for sure.

Shout it from the roof top!

Hallelujah!! I can officially announce..........

That my husband is a PARAMEDIC!! This has been such a journey for him and he has studied his little booty off. Hard work and dedication really does pay off. This is NO ordinary test, there are questions on there designed to throw even the smartest EMT off and make then think, "HUH?" In a way that's a good thing because you want someone who has your life in their hands to know what they are doing but then again when it comes to taking a test that basically determines the future of your career, it's a whole new ball game. He went in to take the test yesterday February 7th, without telling anyone.....but myself. (And I had to pry it out of him) that way, if he did happen to fail, no one would know and he could take it again. Smart guy :-)
Poor guy was so nervous all day yesterday and had his nose in the books. After the test, he was even more of a nervous wreck. He came home talking about how many questions he thought he missed and how some asked information he had never even heard of before and he kept saying he thought he failed. There are only so many encouraging words you can tell someone waiting on results like this! I tried to be supportive and told him not to think like that. That he had put too much time and effort into studying for it not to pay off.

7:00 am results check. He logs in to the website from his phone and just stares...he asks me to read what it said because he couldn't believe it. "Congratulations on passing your National Registry test!" That's all that jumped out at me. Hallelujah, Hallelujah! I cannot express how proud I am of this man. Whatever he puts his mind to, he succeeds :))

 This was Cody's pinning ceremony on February 1st at City Hall. He completed his first year of              probation and is no longer considered a "rookie"

We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do - Ephesians 2:10



We leave for Ruidoso next Friday, just our little guy and us for a little fresh mountain air, snow tubing, shopping and feeding the deer. It couldn't have come at a better time. God is good, all the time!